DAY 1: Trying and Mostly Failing to Beat my Brain into Submission

NB: This is a work of fiction. I think. What does that mean? Huh?

Valentine’s Day is for cows. I’ve always thought that and I still do. One might think that since I’m married now that would change but I just pulled out one of my wife’s earphones and asked her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to do anything and she looked at me and was like, “If you wanted a woman who cared about that kind of shit you should have married someone else.” Needless to say, I married the right woman.

She’s listening to Majid Jordan right now. I got their album a couple of days ago and she’s been going crazy over them; humming a melody here, singing a loose couplet there. She even took to her Time Line to knock out a couple of 140’s- hashtagKingCity, hashtagTorontoSwag. I can’t even front though, it’s a good album. The 90’s R&B lushness of “Love Is Always There” is what I’ve got on repeat; she’s more into the Weeknd-esque falsetto and deep house synths of “King City”. We both love the heavy 808’s and bounce of “Warm” though.

So I’ve been thinking about it and maybe I should do something special anyway, you know? Join the herd. Even if just this once. But If I’m going to do that then I need to snap on a pair of horns and get a MOOOOOOOOVE on. She deserves it, right? It would earn me some husband points at the very least.

I scratch at my beard. Why I have a beard in this heat is beyond me. It’s just easier not to shave I guess. I’ve been growing my hobo-hiding-in-a-hovel-beard. I haven’t shaved since the wedding and I’m totally OK with that. I’ve barely left the house since then either. Writing for a living makes that pretty easy. I take a walk in the evenings sometimes but that’s not very often. I saw something the other day that made me laugh, “Beards are the new six-pack.” I really hope that’s true because I really need to go to the gym.

Believe it or not but there was a time when people would ask me whether I played rugby. That was a long time ago though. Another time, another me. I don’t really play a sport, unless FIFA on PS3 counts. But then I don’t really play video games anymore either. I really liked fighting games when I did though (“FINISH HIM!!!!”), stealth games like Metal Gear Solid too sometimes but the mayhem and carnage of Grand Theft Auto was my absolute favorite. Screw the missions. What’s the ALL WEAPONS cheat so I can get that kitana, lop people’s heads off and steal all of their money?

Wait a sec, I’m supposed to be writing about Love and Elections aren’t I? I’ve tried, I really have but my brain, it’s messing with me. It’s just decided to pull down its pants and take a hot, smelly deuce right here on my keyboard. How about I try again tomorrow? Deal?

And oh, Happy Valentine’s Day. Cows.